I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
