I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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