it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
is that a dick in a sweater?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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