Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
