you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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