Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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