You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
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