His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
