dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
