chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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