so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
