I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
