well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
