Its about making memories worth repressing
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
