I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
