do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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