i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
