he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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