Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
