I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Randomize
