We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
