you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize