Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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