I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
