$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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