Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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