I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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