EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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