Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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