I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
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