I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
