the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
