Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I bet he comes in French.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
