Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
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we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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