I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
