So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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