you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
is wine microwaveable?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
