Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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