I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
