Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
