Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
