I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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