so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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