Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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