Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
