I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
