the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
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you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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