Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
