I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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