i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
