fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
