Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
