Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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