he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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