my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
