cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
