Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
