Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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