That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
