I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's the barista slut.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
