in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
