hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
